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Make Your Own Pizza

Discussion in 'Electronic Design' started by Genome, Dec 20, 2005.

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  1. Genome

    Genome Guest

    Preparation time 4 Hours..

    Cooking time variable.

    You will need, according to taste. Alcohol, Spliff, Both or multiples

    Boil some water and pour 200mL of it into a jug.

    Add two desert spoons of Lyles Golden Syrup or Honey and dissolve.

    Allow to cool to something warm.

    Test with finger, not the one you use to

    1) Pick your nose.
    2) Scrape the wax out of your ears.
    3) Scratch your bumhole.
    4) Wibble about under your foreskin.
    5) Scrape the black stuff from between your toes.
    6) Pluck hairs from your armpits.
    7) Pick your psoriasis.
    8) Give your partner sexual pleasure.

    Hmmmm, OK use your thumb.

    Add a 7g sachet of yeast (or two).

    Leave in a warm place to Collect film of dust on surface.

    Take one large Wok. These are absolutely brilliant for mixing stuff in.

    Pour in approximately X teaspoons of salt and add approximately of dried
    mixed herbs plus some ground black pepper. Of course you can add other
    things if you wish.

    Add 471.876 (OK, I meant 492) grammes of plain flour and mix up a bit/lot.

    If you are typing the recipe in to your newsreader and have had a couple of
    rollies and a piss then, by now, your yeast mixture will have developed a
    nice frothy head and the liquid will look like old fetid boil puss.

    Don't worry if it hasn't. The yeast is just there to make the dough yeast

    Scrape your flour/herb/pepper stuff out the middle of your Wok and pour a
    couple or four jiggers of Olive Oil in the hole you just created.

    Fold the flour into the hole and stir about a bit. Stir about some more.
    Gosh, this is good. It doesn't go all soggy..... almost a crumble mix.

    Anyway now add your smeggy yeast puss and stir until that becomes hard work.
    Then get your hands in and start squeezing it about.

    If you have followed the directions then your result will be a bit dry. So
    add a dessert spoon of water and fold it about again.

    If it is too wet then add a dessert spoon of flour and do the same.

    When it looks just like mine....

    Sprinkle some flour on a surface and place the dough on top of it. Sprinkle
    some flour on top of the dough and then, with the heels of your palms, and
    some pressure, spread it out into a long thing. Then fold it in half and do
    it again. And do that some more times until you are bored.

    Then squash it back into a ball. Sprinkle some flour in the bottom of your
    Wok and stick the dough back in it. Put the lid on it and place in a warm
    place for two hours.

    Don't bother about it getting twice as big or other rubbish. The yeast is
    probably dead by now and you're going to 'knock the dough back' anyway.

    This time is provided for a continuation of drinking/spliff time without
    cooking interuptions.

    Next installment in one and a half hours.

  2. Genome

    Genome Guest

    Bugger, also defrost some sausages and squirt the meat out of them.

    And buy some Onions before the shop closes, plus more beer.

  3. Genome

    Genome Guest

    Put sausage meat in frying pan and mash up whilst frying. Also chop up onion
    and stick in pan as well. Add other things to taste.

    I will, of course, use mixed herbs because I haven't got any curry powder
    left over (Arse)

    Bugger, if you are unlucky like me then you may have to spend some time
    making sure that the sausage meat is well mashed up.

    Errr.... pour out manky fat stuff as it cooks.

  4. Genome

    Genome Guest

    Make Your Sauce.

    Dice an onion. Pour some Olive Oil in a saucepan and stick the diced onion
    in. Add some more mixed herbs and stir it up and cook it.

    When it looks like.... Add one of them Sieved Tomato things that wighs 500g.

    Stick on a low heat and reduce until saucy.

    (If you had some leftovers from last time then add to sausage thing that you
    made before)

  5. Genome

    Genome Guest

    Oh, also stick in some of those water chestnuts that you mari... stuck in a
    jar for a couple of months with other bits and pieces.

    You can get big tins of them from your local takeaway cheap.

  6. Genome

    Genome Guest

    It's about this time, 3 Hours later, that other people will start moaning
    and bitching about the fact that they haven't eaten their Pizza yet.

    Feel free to shout at them a lot and destroy any claims they might make
    about having to wash up afterwards.

    1) You ate my food so you wash up.
    2) I wash up my shit as I create it so I'm not interested.
    3) Whatever.......


    True Lies is on Telly so watch that instead.

  7. Genome

    Genome Guest

    Time to assemble Pizza

    I've got...

    Some Dough in a Wok that looks like something out of Quatermass.

    A Saucepan with some sauce in it.

    A frying pan with some sausage oniony stuff in it.

    A packet of Salami.

    A Red and a Green Pepper.

    A block of Mature Cheddar Cheese.

    Everyone else has gone to Bed..... }:)

    Tonight I am going to try a thin crust crispy one.

    Flour a surface hugely more big as the tray you are going to cook it in.

    Pick your dough out of the Wok and squash it... Mine went 'fart' and became
    the same size it was when I put it in in the first place....?


    Anyway, drop it on the floured surface and spinkle a bit of flour on top of
    it. Assault it with a rolling pin until it is thin and big. It will fight
    back. This is the thin part of thin and crispy.

    Then roll it up on your rolling pin and bung your baking tray where it was
    and roll it back on top of the tray. You should have a generous overlap on
    all the sides. Adjust things so it's sort of like that.

    Take your saucepan of sauce and ladle it in the middle and smear it about.

    Slice one pepper and arrange on the surface.

    Apply a layer of Salami to cover that. Slice the other pepper and do the
    same as the last.

    Hack up cheese and crumble over the surface.....

    Plus, stick some cheese over the outside edges.

    Slop Sausage/Onion/Tomatoe stuff on the outside edges and roll them into the
    tray so stuff gets sort of sealed up.

    Brush the bare pastry with Olive Oil.

    Stick in oven on Gas Mark whatever..... on the middle tray.... for some

    Adjust and rotate according to what it thinks it is doing.

    Oh ****, scrub that, it's taken over the oven..... Damn.

  8. Genome

    Genome Guest

    That was a dismal failure... Yum Yum.

    'Hello, yes my printer isn't working anymore'

  9. So far, so good, but I can have one in 15 minutes:

    1. Pick up phone.
    2. Dial pizza joint
    3. Specify pizza
    4. Enjoy Spliff/Alcohol to taste
    5. Pizza guy shows up. Pay him, and tip him handsomely, these guys
    are making minimum wage or less.
    6. Eat.


  10. Mike Yarwood

    Mike Yarwood Guest

    But it doesn't get your fingernails nice and clean.

    Best of Luck - Mike 61/2
  11. Mike Yarwood

    Mike Yarwood Guest

  12. Bah. Clean fingernails are for yuppie scum. ;-P
    "The Sultan was peeved with his harem,
    And cooked up a scheme for to scare'em.
    He caught a big mouse
    Which he loosed in the house.
    (Such confusion is called harem-scarem)."

    Many thanks,

    Don Lancaster voice phone: (928)428-4073
    Synergetics 3860 West First Street Box 809 Thatcher, AZ 85552
    rss: email:

    Please visit my GURU's LAIR web site at
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